Tuesday, March 23, 2010

End of the Week Excursus: On to the Next One

God is good. All the time. And all the time, God is good. I know that wasn't expected after a Jay-Z opening. Welcome to the church of what's happening now.

Let the church say Amen.

I've always been blessed to have great jobs. Even when I've complained about a current professional station, I've known in my heart that I was blessed to be in that position at that time. For one, it was usually something that I'd desired in my heart at some point. Even if I had held on to the desire with faith for a considerable amount of time, I knew that I was fortunate in what I was able to do for whatever amount of time each day, for whatever amount of money.

I am realizing more and more that I've unfortunately been living the past 10 or so years of my life in survivor mode. Nomadic almost, I've never really gotten comfortable in any place I was in life. While it appears as confident ambition to those around me, it's actually been a lot of residual fear and collecting. After years of dealing with blows and losses, I learned myself to never rest comfortably where I was, looking for something better all the time in order to not lose what I had in my hands. The payoff has been great, yes. I have been very blessed with opportunities that I know some dream of. That I myself once dreamed of. Truly.

So now as I enter into my last day at a job I worked, and waited for, for another job I've been waiting for, even trying for three times (third time was the charm), I'm really scared again. Scared that something will go wrong and I'll feel setback once again. Even more than that I am also really afraid that I'm running away from something good & comfortable, as opposed to walking into something new and fulfilling....

And I suppose that none of that really matters. One thing I've learned in my 25 sun circles is that the voice of fear is always louder than the voice of reason & truth. This is seen in the body politic as well as the body individual. When we act out of fear, we limit ourselves to a life and a perspective that, while comfortable, holds us hostage and separates us from our inherent reach for progression. The voice of fear though often speaks only from the corners of our heart and mind that house our past experiences, mixed with good and bad. Reason & truth, however can speak from our hearts & bones' past & present vantage point. Seeing not only where we've been, but how we arrived from the point to where we are in the present. With that truth, we can reason that the path from this present point to a future destination will not be entirely dissimilar. Everything works itself out.

Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. A year ago this time I was ready to quit graduate school and move to a remote island to sell coconuts and pot at a joint called Mark's Island Vibrations Shack. I had no idea that a year later, I would have made it through that fire storm, and would be moving onward and upward.

Nervous, slightly scare, anxious...All of the above. The next few days will be spent translating the energy my mind is putting towards those thoughts and feelings into anticipation and expectation of my next move, being my move to my best job yet. My career as a Consultant is in full swing (my dream!) and I know in my heart it's all because I've continued to keep my faith in the Divine Mother and Heavenly Father, so they've kept their hands over me, and in that I've been able to receive the best opportunities life has for me. I don't know what tomorrow is, nor what mysteries and secrets it holds. All I know is that it's a blessing, and that it's my day if I shall receive it as so.

"Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand."

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